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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22670386">The Magnus Archives: The Musical Episode</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_spicy_draft/pseuds/a_spicy_draft'>a_spicy_draft</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Magnus Archives (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A Leitner Made Them Do It, Fluff, Humor, Love Song, M/M, Musical References, Non-Canonically Silly, Some Swearing, TMA season 3, The Magnus Archive but they can say fuck, musical episode</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 17:01:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,563</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22670386</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_spicy_draft/pseuds/a_spicy_draft</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Exactly what it says on the tin. It is, however, entirely in writing. Italicized dialogue is sung, and individual italicized lines, not part of obvious verse, can be interpreted as those melodious sort of one-liners that sometimes happen in musicals. Other relevant music notes (heh) are at the end of each chapter.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>174</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u">JON</span>
</p><p>Statement of Philomena Longabardi, regarding a theater curse. Original statement given February 8, 2011. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.</p><p>Statement begins.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">JON (STATEMENT)</span>
</p><p>Thank you for letting me write this down. Writing is better than talking for me these days, as I’m sure you noticed. At least, it is for now. I’m not sure for how long. But I don’t want to think about that just yet.</p><p>I’ve always loved musical theater. Opera, classic feel-good musicals, even jukebox musicals. I adore all of them. See, it’s not just the drama of it all, it’s the fact that everything fits. Every character on that stage knows how to articulate what they’re feeling so poetically, with lyrics and meter and melody all assisting to communicate exactly what’s going on inside their head. Lovers meet harmonizing to a song they’ve never heard before. Young people walk down main street, emoting, and all the townspeople join in, meeting cues, forming a chorus, and stepping into flawless choreography. That effortless and beautiful communication, being seen, being connected, being known by everyone else you share the set with, that romanticism is what’s always appealed to me.</p><p>Of course, I can’t sing a lick. Well, couldn’t. I spent my school-day afternoons wearing all black, moving set pieces around and watching actors from the shadows. I guess I could have auditioned for the non-musical plays my school put on in the fall semester, but honestly, those never held the same appeal.</p><p>I got my degree in theater arts. Then, I bounced around from odd gig to odd gig for a bit, before finally landing a steady job as a literary manager at a local theater. Basically, I was in charge of keeping track of scripts. I found and secured new material for upcoming performances, and I kept track of all the old scripts from past ones, in case we wanted to revisit them. I loved it. Something about being close to the scripts and the sheet music made me feel more of a part of them than I ever had been as a stagehand. Plus, I’ve always had a knack for organizing things. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve defused a managerial meltdown by being able to produce a script from “that show we did five years ago that actually turned a profit.”</p><p>It was odd, therefore, to find a collection of sheet music I’d never—</p><p> </p><p>[Angry footsteps are heard approaching the door, which is then flung open by Tim, holding a harmonica and a portfolio]</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">JON</span>
</p><p>Wh—Tim! What’s—do you need something?</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">TIM</span>
</p><p>[Plays that blues harmonica riff we all know (1)]</p><p>
  <em>Hey boss, you’re an ass.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Who else did you tell</em>
</p><p>
  <em>To read that damned book?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You can all go to hell.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">JON</span>
</p><p>Tim—</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">TIM</span>
</p><p>
  <em>Leitner! And it’s you I accuse.</em>
</p><p>[Tim absolutely wails on the harmonica]</p><p>
  <em>I’ve got the miserable</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Monstrous</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mad</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Magnus Institute blues.</em>
</p><p>[Tim continues to shred the harmonica]</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">JON</span>
</p><p>Tim, I want to help, but I have no idea what’s going on.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">TIM</span>
</p><p>[Begins harmonica riffs again]</p><p>
  <em>Elias told me</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>[Jon wrestles the harmonica way from Tim as he’s playing it]</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">JON</span>
</p><p>Stop it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">TIM</span>
</p><p>
  <em>Fine. We’ll do it a cappella.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>[In a quick, anxious tune reminiscent of Sondheim (2)]</p><p>
  <em>Elias told me that you told him,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I need some help, hey go get Tim.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There’s something spooky, dark, and grim</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I need it from Artifact Storage.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>There was nothing I could do but scoff.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Said, “that dusty place always makes me cough.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He can go himself, you can both fuck off.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m not going to Artifact Storage.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">JON</span>
</p><p>Is this a meme?</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">TIM</span>
</p><p>
  <em>Still he sent me there</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And to my despair</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I found this portfolio</em>
</p><p>
  <em>No worse for wear.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And where?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>On a chair</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In the open air</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Waiting for me in Artifact Storage!</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>So I picked it up and turned to go</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When a single sheet fluttered out and so</em>
</p><p>[Tim pulls a sheet out of the portfolio and waves it frantically above his head, too fast for it to be readable]</p><p>
  <em>I grabbed it, glanced at it, and—</em>
</p><p>[Jon snatches the paper out of Tim’s hand and examines it]</p><p>
  <em>No!</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Don’t you read it.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">JON</span>
</p><p>
  <em>I just read it.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">TIM</span>
</p><p>
  <em>You don’t need it.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">JON</span>
</p><p>
  <em>I regret it.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">TIM</span>
</p><p>
  <em>I was going to make a statement to</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Protect you from what this can do</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With all the bad luck we accrue</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But now I’m cursed and so are you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>By this Leitner from Artifact Storage!</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>(1) This riff: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaKsC2AwFt0<br/>waah-waaaah waah-wah</p><p>(2) I didn't have one specific song in mind for this, just a general vibe. It works pretty well with "There's a hole in the world like a great black pit..." from Sweeney Todd and "Your Fault" from Into the Woods. Also, unfortunately and to my extreme delight, with "Piano Lesson" from The Music Man.</p><p>A big thank-you to my friend EB, for explaining to me what sort of job Philomena probably had. Support your local theaters.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErinsWorks/pseuds/ErinsWorks/works">ErinsWorks</a> is bringing the musical to life in <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22671880">a podfic</a>, and their voice acting is amazing. Highly recommend.</p><p>This entire fic is really just a vessel for the patter song Jon gets in this chapter, which came to me at four in the morning one night when I was supposed to be sleeping.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u">JON</span>
</p><p>
  <em>Tim, I’m sorry. Honestly, I swear I never sent for this.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m not even finished with the statement. Something is amiss.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">TIM</span>
</p><p>
  <em>Never something simple. Ha, I should have known. When has it been?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But Jon, you know I still think you’re suspicious, what with—</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>[Knocking sound and door opening]</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">TIM AND JON</span>
</p><p>
  <em>Don’t come in!</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">MARTIN</span>
</p><p>Oh, sorry! Am I interrupting something?</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">JON</span>
</p><p>
  <em>Uh…</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">MARTIN</span>
</p><p>Right, I can come back later. Oh, hang on, you’ve dropped something.</p><p>[He picks up the sheet of music]</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">JON AND TIM</span>
</p><p>[Singing in a dissonant chord]</p><p>
  <em>No! </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">MARTIN</span>
</p><p>
  <em>What? It just looks like music.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s not even in my range.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh. I think I see. This is strange.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">TIM</span>
</p><p>
  <em>Cursed sheet music. God, I hate this place.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">MARTIN</span>
</p><p>
  <em>What’s the point? What’s this thing supposed to do?</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">JON</span>
</p><p>
  <em>I suspect I’ll need it for this case </em>
</p><p>
  <em>0110802.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>[Papers rustle as Martin and Tim look over the statement]</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">TIM</span>
</p><p>
  <em>Musical horror. Of course.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">MARTIN</span>
</p><p>[Totally into it (1)]</p><p>
  <em>Shing-a-ling, what a creepy thing</em>
</p><p>
  <em>To be happening.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>[There is a very uncomfortable pause as Tim and Jon refuse to join in.]</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Sorry, I just thought we might as well—</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">TIM</span>
</p><p>
  <em>Enjoy our coerced musical hell?</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">MARTIN</span>
</p><p>
  <em>We’ve got a trio. Enough to harmonize.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">JON</span>
</p><p>
  <em>And what would we call our boy band?</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">Martin</span>
</p><p>
  <em>The Archivists?</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">JON</span>
</p><p>
  <em>The Eyes?</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">MARTIN</span>
</p><p>
  <em>The Beholders!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And that’s our first single: The Eyes Have It.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>[Jon and Martin laugh]</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">TIM</span>
</p><p>
  <em>Stop! Do you think this is a game?</em>
</p><p>[Turns to Martin]</p><p>
  <em>Why do you insist he’s free of blame?</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">MARTIN</span>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s not the same.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You know this never was his aim.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">TIM</span>
</p><p>
  <em>He’s the one who brought us here. Shut up. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>You know it’s true.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It could have been Jonathan alone</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Not me or you.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Every day I wish I could get out</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And you do, too.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">MARTIN</span>
</p><p>
  <em>And he does, too!</em>
</p><p> </p><p>[A long, expectant silence]</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">JON</span>
</p><p>
  <em>I… do.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">TIM</span>
</p><p>
  <em>Wow, you got me there, boss. I really am convinced</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Now I see how thoroughly you’ve called my bluff.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Clearly, you regret</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What’s become of us, and yet</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Day by day you read your statements, and—</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">JON</span>
</p><p>
  <em>Enough!</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>[Frustrated sigh, as Jon clearly prepares to get something off his chest]</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">JON</span>
</p><p>[To a tune that sounds suspiciously like the Modern Major-General Song (2)]</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>‘Tis awful being Archivist here at the Magnus Institute.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And surely if I could quit then I would quit in an instant too.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>To witness all this suffering is practically unbearable</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In statements true but long since passed, reduced to cryptic parable.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>I can’t prevent the pain of all my former friends and coworkers</em>
</p><p>
  <em>All at the hands of worms, distorted halls, and circus show-workers.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Or else our crafty boss who all this time’s been puppeteering us.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A presence with a grip so strong he could be commandeering us.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">MARTIN AND TIM</span>
</p><p>[Martin enthusiastically, Tim reluctantly]</p><p>
  <em>A presence with a grip so strong he could be commandeering us.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A presence with a grip so strong he could be commandeering us.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A presence with a grip so strong he could be commandeering-eering us.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">JON</span>
</p><p>
  <em> “Just read the statements, Jon” that’s all that anyone will say to me</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Because they’re either evil masterminds or they’re afraid o’ me.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And truly if I could quit then I would quit in an instant too</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Tis awful being Archivist here at the Magnus Institute.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">MARTIN AND TIM</span>
</p><p>
  <em>And truly if he could quit then he would quit in an instant too</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Tis awful being Archivist here at the Magnus Institute.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">TIM</span>
</p><p>[Quietly, to Martin]</p><p>
  <em>You’re doing this voluntarily.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">MARTIN</span>
</p><p>
  <em>Maybe.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">JON</span>
</p><p>
  <em>I’ve been stabbed, kidnapped, burned, and suffered whatever Crew threw me in.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And then got “rescued” by another Mike who said he’d do me in.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The morning I returned, Bouchard forced me to stop a felony</em>
</p><p>
  <em>By acting as a human shield to dagger-wielding Melanie.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>You’d think with these Beholding powers one day I would understand</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But they’re so useless, twice I’ve nearly ended at a Hunter’s hand.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m just expected to comply with everything Elias says</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And charge headlong towards circus freaks in human skin disgui-e-ses. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">MARTIN AND TIM</span>
</p><p>
  <em>And charge headlong towards circus freaks in human skin disgui-e-ses. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>And charge headlong towards circus freaks in human skin disgui-e-ses. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>And charge headlong towards circus freaks in human skin disgui-e-ui-e-ses. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">JON</span>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m sick of all these scars and statements and that damned Beholding Eye.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If this were poker and I had the choice, I would be folding. I</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Assure you if I could quit then I would quit in an instant too</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Tis awful being Archivist here at the Magnus Institute.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">MARTIN AND TIM</span>
</p><p>
  <em>Yes surely if he could quit then he would quit in an instant too</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Tis awful being Archivist here at the Magnus Institute.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>[Jon sighs and collapses into his chair]</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>(1) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPZVjxWMLpo<br/>Really, the prologue to Little Shop of Horrors could pretty easily apply to a Magnus Archives Musical. Martin is onto something. And Audrey II would be... the Flesh?</p><p>(2) It sounds exactly like the Modern Major General Song. It's surprisingly hard to rhyme words with "archivist" or "institute," and I really wanted to use one of those as the major concluding rhyme. But I think if Gilbert and Sullivan can pin-pen merger rhyme (which isn't actually how the lyrics are sung in their accent) "mineral" with "general," they'd be rather pleased with my line carry-over of "too-'tis" to create a syllable identical to the last one in "institute."</p><p>Some more notes on rhyme and meter:<br/>-I think a few of the rhymes here work better in my Maryland accent (pretty close to "standard" American English) than the Archivist's accent. Eg. "been" and "in." Oh well.<br/>-English being a stress-timed language, I have ideas in my head for how the meter should work with some of the lyrics where lines don't match syllable-for-syllable. But if adding/omitting/changing a word works better for you when you read them, feel free to.<br/>-For what it's worth, in addition to Little Shop of Horrors and The Pirates of Penzance, some of the musicals I took inspiration from for this chapter were Les Miserables, The Phantom of the Opera, Into the Woods, and The Sound of Music.</p>
        </blockquote><div class="children module" id="children">
  <b class="heading">Works inspired by this one:</b>
  <ul>
    <li>
        <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22671880">The Magnus Archives: The Musical Episode - Podfic Edition</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErinsWorks/pseuds/ErinsWorks">ErinsWorks</a>
    </li>
  </ul>
</div></div></div>
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